For most, if not all, of my adult life, the only thing I can remember doing relentlessly, is pursuing love. I've wished for it, longed for it, searched for it, dated for it, found it, fallen for it, broken up with it, run from it, moved on from it, traversed the world for it, married it, over-compromised myself for it, separated from it, suffered from it, grieved the loss of it, rejoiced in re-finding it, and then realized I'm not ready nor even desiring it. I am, at this point, so completely sick of love and all of its tiresome baggage, that I'm starting to ask myself what else is out there in terms of fulfillment. I no longer think that a relationship with a man is what I seek, nor even, that it is what really makes me feel happy and complete.
I know when it comes to love, I've got some traits that aren't pretty to admit, let alone exhibit. I can be overly picky, particular, and perfectionistic about ridiculous things and I get even more this way when I'm stressed, unhappy, or feel like I'm losing control in the present moment. I'm selfish about my space because I love being alone and I hate people trying to pry into it. At times, my feelings seem fickle and even illogical, which can make me difficult to please, and even more so, to follow. I sometimes love planning the future with my partner and dreaming of everything that we can conquer, then moments later, find myself looking for an exit in which to run free because I feel suffocated and uncertain about committing. I should've prefaced this by saying I'm a Sagittarius, which really just sums up everything. I'm not good at allowing people in or moving towards someone in times of conflict or misunderstandings. I usually close up and shut off just hoping that the problem will sort itself out naturally. Instead of recognizing, facing, or admitting various defects within a relationship, I can sometimes be so blinded by love and wanting to be in it, that I overlook any and all of the red flags waving right in front of me, which inevitably leads me down a rough road of agony. Perhaps my worst trait of all, is that I easily become complacent. I get bored and lose sight of the importance of what I have in front of me sometimes leaving my partner unrecognized when they need to be for all that they have given me. I can also be careless and insensitive even though it's not my intention to be.
Although my list of negatives may sound long, I think I do have some positive contributions to add to my song. I'm pretty patient, reliable, and resilient, and I will stand by my partner for longer than necessary before I completely lose it. In fact, if my heart is totally into it, for better or worse, I won't leave the relationship I signed myself up to represent. This is why, on more than one occasion, I've found myself completely depleted before throwing in the towel on my commitment. I'm honest, at times even to a fault, and I try to tell things like I see them. I'm free-spirited, enthusiastic, and genuinely excited about life and I try to share this energy in my relationships in order to make life brighter, happier, and more adventurous. I am loyal and sensitive somewhere under the tough outer skin and I love to talk and connect with people in a significant, sincere, and meaningful manner. I am also a giver and I unnecessarily give every ounce of love, time, energy, and money to the ones who I really want to be with.
At the beginning or end of any, and almost every, one of my relationships, I tend to ask myself the same love questions: will this be the one? Is there really a fairy tale ending or will it always end badly because of my ability to self-sabotage by picking out the least qualified candidate? How do you juggle all of it? Can you really manage a dream, work, and family, or will you always be sacrificing one of these? Am I more inspired and creative with or without another physical presence near me? Is there a way to feel balanced or is chaos the bulk of relationship living? What are other people's experiences with compromising? Anyone got any secrets that could be of benefit in understanding? Can I stop, really stop, with relationships and dedicate myself to something else of importance? If I did so, would it feel like an achievement without the support of another person? Can I really find peace in silence and without relationship nonsense to squander it, or is it that, that pulls me into it? Can I do something else besides repeat the same 20 years of relationship questions, or am I just going to keep going around in an endless circle of mistakes and mishaps?
The questions are endless and the answers seem fleeting, vague, and variant. What, if anything, do you all have to say about this monstrous, enveloping, and confusing topic of one of life's biggest elements? Can you share any enlightenment? Is it possible to find another type of fulfillment besides love and to be completely content with doing it?
