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  • Writer's picturejmcsperitt

Finally Free

Updated: Sep 27, 2023

The feeling of freedom is sweeter than I remembered it. I've regained the bounce in my step and I feel it while I'm walking with the sun on my face, the music in my ears, and a renewed lightness in my spirit that I haven't felt for years because I am FREE. I am free because I'm no longer trapped in a relationship which made me unhappy and with a person who was narcissistic and controlling. I am free from his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality and the ongoing drama that was consuming my energy and draining the life out of me. I am free from his bad behavior, cruel words, and manipulative thinking. I am free from walking on eggshells for fear of him blowing up irrationally or unexpectedly in a showdown in front of anybody and/or everybody and then having to cover up his toxic personality. I am free to live without a roller coaster of surprises and my constant excusing and over-compromising. I am free from the mind games and constant lies, which kept me thinking in circles in an attempt to understand what was happening. I am free to no longer fear what he might say or do to hurt me emotionally, or to feel completely abandoned and neglected physically. I am financially free now that he's no longer robbing me. I had invested every penny ever earned and even credit cards to cover the life I thought "we" were creating.

Now, I am free to feel fulfilled, rather than depleted and drowning in chaos and confusion, in order to create a new reality. I am free from the mental, verbal, and emotional badgering, which is allowing me to come into my own being and to listen to my body more strongly than previously. I am free to no longer feel angry, depressed, or to only see darkness around and ahead of me, and I'm mentally free because I'm no longer occupied by fights that worry or distract me. I am free to return to who I was before I got married. I am free to reconstrue my self-esteem and all the traits I used to love about me. I am free to only have to take care of what's necessary and to, more or less, do as I please. I am free to spend time laughing and enjoying life's activities. I am free to go out with my friends without being bombarded by constant messaging and to rebuild healthy relationships with my friends and family from whom he tried to isolate me. I am free from unwarranted and incessant jealousy. I am free to read and educate myself on what happened in order to not repeat a cycle of attracting the same eventuality. I am free to choose everything from my home decorations to where next I'll be travelling, and to explore and appreciate the world again without him ruining its beauty. I am free to rebelieve in myself and the potential I have to do something which drives me creatively. I am free to forgive myself for not knowing or finding the will to leave sooner and praise myself for leaving finally. I am free to acknowledge my bravery and perseverance in escaping and to make sure it never refinds me by using this experience as a push into becoming a stronger person than I had imagined myself to be and someone he most certainly never thought, wanted, or expected me to be. I am working to establish my personal boundaries. I am free to not have another relationship until I'm healed completely, but to trust that love will find me if or when I'm ready. I am free to believe in the good of love and what can be created, but I am also free to no longer be bound by the need of a relationship to fulfill me. I am free to be happy, whole, and healthy in my entire body.

Unfortunately, I won't be free from our co-parenting, but I am finally free to be the mother I want to be without someone there questioning, criticizing, or parenting against me competitively. Our separation is almost final and then I will also be legally free from what I was living. I'll be signing those papers boldly and with complete assurance and clarity. I won't forget the freedom that comes with not having to sleep with my bedroom door locked at night for fear of becoming a statistic like I did the entire time we were separating. Nor will I forget having to call my friends and family in intervals throughout the day to check in with them on my well-being, or calling the local police for my safety so often that they came to know me personally. I am free to feel gratitude to the man who quite literally saved my life by giving me the strength and support necessary to leave. It wasn't a relationship I was able to sustain, but it was quite possibly the only thing that could've pulled me out of my situation and I'll be forever thankful for that divine timing.

I am free now, above all, because I am back to feeling like me - thoughtful, creative, sensitive, excited, intuitive, adventurous, wondrous, and full of positivity. I am free because I no longer care what he thinks about me. I have made it out of the past where I felt trapped and I will never again allow myself to be that unhappy. I am free because that relationship didn't defeat me. I still believe in love, infinite possibility, my dreams, and destiny. I can now be who I am without apologizing or lowering my radiant energy to create the life I want to be living. I am learning to love and reflect on the depths of my being and it's something that no one can take away from me. My regained freedom rings in my soul and spans out of me more strongly, brightly, and gratefully than before because I had to fight for every one of my free steps. Steps which are now singing along to the chorus of the songs playing in my ears and carrying me ever further from those dark years towards my eternal spirit, which is soaring and reminding me that we all have something amazing to contribute if we free ourselves from the relationships, fears, or other despairs which may be holding us back from radiating our highest selves and potentiality, in order to shine all the beauty that we are and that we were meant to be.

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