Updated: Dec 11, 2022
I woke up this morning with my mind in the same murky waters it's been in for months now because I was lost in my thoughts, over-analyzing, and second-guessing both the past and my direction for the future. Then, unexpectedly, I asked myself, "Why are you second-guessing instead of celebrating you? Why are you not owning all of the things that make you, you?" I haven't wanted to be owned by a man, but I'm not owning and embracing myself either. I feel like for forever now, I've been apologizing to men for who I am and what I need instead of accepting all of the things that make me, me, and understanding too, that this is what I should be receiving. I've been a body with no soul-owner taking up occupancy and this is holding me back from moving forward with things in my daily life as well as pursuing bigger desires in front of me. In some ways, I was better at this when I was in my 20's and did whatever I wanted with no regrets or apologies, and I should probably consider reverting back to this strategy.
Last year, my theme word was "thrive" as I moved out of survival mode with my ex-husband and into a position of flourishing. The word RADIATE came to me this morning and it will be my intention for 2019. Not only will I no longer allow myself to be bound by the past or wonder about my decisions and needs, but I'm going to move into my own power and light and let that take me as far and as wide as it's meant to be. I'll stop apologizing to people for who I am and what I'll be doing, and trust that I know what's right for me and where it is I'll be going.
On New Year's Eve 2017, I meditated and wrote about what I would be doing in my future year-to-be. Reading back through that recently, I noticed that I had, in fact, done almost everything. In 2018, I travelled to new places, I completely paid off my debt, I got back into a more regular routine, I spent more quality time with my daughter, and I created my favorite thing, With Love From Italy.
Italy has given me everything needed to bring me into the brightness of my own being even though it meant moving halfway around the world, marrying the wrong person, having a baby, and letting go of the original path that I thought was intended for me. The process is never finished, of course. I will be continually tested and life will be changing regularly, or it would all be too easy. My job and goal for 2019, however, is to fall deeply in love with myself and what I'm creating. I can no longer silence, ignore, brush off, or avoid the artistic pull within me, nor can I expect or rely on relationships to assist or fulfill me, so it's time to give it all my love and devotion as I've done with so many other things previously. I want to sit silently, listen attentively, and earnestly follow what I hear inside of me without distractions from husbands or ex-husbands, new relationships, or old ones. Finding love in my life will always be a priority, however, it has changed meaning for me now and is taking on a new direction completely. I believe that love comes from fulfilling our hearts voices and not from sources outside of us. If I'd spent half as much time working on my creative endeavors as I have being swept up in relationship frenzies, I'd have ten books published to flip through leisurely, so this is where I will put my attention for the upcoming year of 2019. Here's cheers to the manifestation of my dreams into reality by being focused, fearless, strong, and ready to invest in the relationship I have with myself and my calling with no more waiting, hesitation, second-guessing, or apologizing!